Dec 17


by in Drawing & Writing

On stage, a large Samoan-looking man was just finishing his act.

OK, last thing. I’ve got a few jokes.

‘What do you call a punishment for coughing.’
‘A coffee [cough-fee]‘

‘What did the whale say to the Japanese whaler who’d just asked the whale to his birthday party?’
‘Sorry I can’t make it. I will be unawhaleable.’

There’s a guy back there who looks like Tom Hanks from Castaway. Can you stand up? How did you film it? Must’ve been some boring stuff.

OK, now I’ll really finish. Wait – everyone here know Jabba the Hut? Here’s my impression of Jabba the Hut.

[spends 20 seconds pushing his chin as deep into his chest as possible]

‘Oh sah makka soh patta po makka pekka mo hetta so fatta fetta so hemma so Han Solo.’

‘OOOOOOHHHHH LA matta swa liicka lacka po patta moo la bwakka fekka muh hetta hatta picka swacka KFC nuhhh.’


Thank you everyone!

2nd act, a girl with pink hair

So my maturity level’s not that high. I was at the hairdresser’s the other day and my hairdresser said, ‘I’m just going to do a number two.’ And when I started losing it she said, ‘No, no, I’m just going to do a number two on your head.’

Miranda breeds some REALLY stupid criminals. It was recently reported in our local paper back home, his defense in court was, ‘I only went in the place because the light was on.’ Which is only really a defense for a moth.

I love Wellington, I’ve made it my home. Really efficient paperboys. I like Christchurch, too, now that it’s lost its racist edge. ‘Cuz under cathedral dust, everyone looks the same.

[Audience: "Ooooooohhh." Earthquake reference.]

And I love Auckland, a very high Asian population so you always get exact change.

Miranda, the small town where I’m from, is famous for its hot-pools, which are the largest thermally-heated pools – in Miranda.

And the bird sanctuary, which I always thought was an awesome place when I was a kid. I remember going there, so excited as a kid.

‘What could these birds have possible done to need sanctuary? Political crimes?’


…and like, do you ever go into a cafe and say, ‘I would like some hot shit on toast please, I’m splashing out’?

And they say, ‘No, I’m sorry, we’ve only got cold diarrhea on bagels.’

‘Oh! That’s the bad one! I don’t want that! I want hot shit on toast, just like mum used to make.”

I do a little bit of acting, as well. Um, I was in a film, I don’t know, a little film, you might’ve seen it, called,


Because I had exactly what they were looking for 12 years ago when they were making that film.

I was a person, and I lived in the greater Wellington region.

Wasn’t that a good thing of Peter Jackson to do? To buy Bat’s Theater? You hear about this? They might’ve been kicked out, and he saved the theater.

I’ll tell you what’s not an everyday occurrence. And that’s when a new comedian gets up here to try something out for the very first time. Because why would you, in this room? It’s bright, there’s table service, and people are laughing as if it was a choice between that… and… something I should have prepared to say was horrible. A choice between laughing… and sticking a thorn into their eye. A choice between – oh my god – are we ready to welcome into the fold, a new comedian? His very first crack.

3rd act

Hey folks, are you ready for some funny-ass jokes?


Any of you guys like racist jokes? I’ve got a racist joke for you. What do you call a racist in a suit?


I have no idea what I’m doing up here. I’m wearing sunglasses because it’s so bright, and so that way you can’t see my tears. Which helps. So I came prepared, I wrote my set down on paper, so I could just read it. And I’m about 50/50 on that at the moment.

Um, so, I feel I’ve got one thing which qualifies me as a comedian. I read somewhere that a lot of comedians aren’t really funny in real life.

I’m quite a shy person. You might notice that by the fact that I’m shaking like a leaf. I’ve just got involuntary jazz hands.

I’m a high-school teacher. It’s true. People entrust their children to me. I taught about 150 kids this year. A lot of young lives wasted, basically. And I – shit, I completely forgot where I was going with that.

I’ve got notes.

Um, I’ve kind of run out of jokes. I do have a few more bits.

Yesterday I found my first gray hair, which was awesome. Because I’m ginger [red-head]. And to be honest, any change is better than being ginger.

I think I’d rather be a silver fox, than an actual, orange fox.

I think I have like one more joke?

Oh no I don’t.

Thank you guys, you’ve been awesome.

[Reader beware, you're in for a scare!]*

* RL Stine reference


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